Denying the denial!

I just wish you didn't have to go, even if you had to..you should have come back... Somehow.. But you didn't... And you can't, for obvious reasons Ofcourse..Life was already difficult without her.. And you were the only one for me to lean on to.. I was dependent on you.. Emotionally and mentally both. When you went away, it was like my backbone was broken, literally... Into tiny small pieces.. I couldn't even gather them up to put myself back again.. I tried, I did.. I still am trying.. But every time I try to fix myself up, another piece falls off.. And I stand even more weakened and shattered.. When you were here, I was more strong.. More connected to reality.. But without you, I'm just living in denial.. And the worst part is, I even deny the fact of being in denial.. I feel less, I express less but yes... I laugh a lot but the laughs are vacant.. Without any meaning in them.. Without a reason or rhyme.. These laughs are just hollow from within.. Hollow and deep and rotten from inside.. Your absence has made me into a completely different person.. Though when she left, I was still sane and composed but without you, I'm just reverting myself into a shell.. This shell is hard as a rock.. Unbreakable. This shell doesn't let people come inside.. Doesn't let me feel or express. I end up hurting the people who are most important to me.. I torture them with my feelingless being.. But what they aren't aware of is that these clogged up feelings and silent words which are piled up inside me are as huge and deep as an ocean.. they are standing still inside but they are killing me.. Slowly and gradually they are taking away my soul..

I wish to run away..

I wish to run away as fast as I can, 

No turning back, and not giving a damn. 

I'm stuck in a place, no less than hell, 

But I can't say a word neither a soul I can tell. 

I wake up to a place which was once a home, 

A shelter for me that I proudly owned. 

Now what remains is a shattered dream, 

In a hopeless state and can't be redeemed.

'Distance'

Distance seems a word so small,

But carrying so much pain.

A never ending journey,

How much I disdain.

Voices becoming so low and faint,

Nothing remains the same.

Heard from a distance,

Are only incomplete names.

Memories slipping away

And faces growing pale.

Home, now a house,

Put up for sale.

Arms wide open

But no one to embrace.

A bunch of friendly people,

But no familiar face.

Sufferers of this distance,

Will surely empathize,

Those teary swollen eyes

And those killing sleepless nights.

'Lahore'

A small poem I wrote about Lahore and its different faces a couple of years back as a college assignment.

Temples, mosques and beautiful shrines,

a feeling so sacred, so touching and divine.

Vibrant colours and festive faces,

illuminating the darkness from barren places.

Festivals, occasions and  all these celebrations,

keep us alive and keep us in motion.

Sad faces of a poor man,

lying on the pavement, no ceiling, no fan.

Standing on guard at a restaurants door.

Happy and content, not asking for more.

Little boys fixing the cars,

throwing their dreams to a place quiet far.

Asking for money, knocking on the window,

Tent for a home, but dream for a meadow.

Worries stresses and too much of work.

Waiting for a life, looking out for hope.

Lahore is a city, of too many faces,

Too many people and crowded places.

Left Untouched!

I lose myself within myself, the complexities that surround me are drowning me in depths unknown.. Depths which have no end no beginning even.. How it sucks you in, that is unknown but this depth can break you and toss you around in a million invisible pieces. You can't even pick them up to put yourself back together again.. You remain those invisible little pieces and your identity is lost without being explored, you are left untouched..

Love will come through..

With every beat of this heart life moves away,
Taking away the comforts and leaving me astray. 

Aloof and stranded I feel once again, 

Hope and belief is beginning to fade.

I can’t blame you or anyone around; 

this wrath is within, screaming out loud. 

I knew it in my heart, I could see the end of tunnel, 

this chaos is within no light can make it settle. 

Nothing comes easy in life, I was told, 

but love for once I desperately want to hold. 

But it tries to be like water, leaking from every crack, 

rushing away so easily and no way to call it back. 

One thing I wish and hope it to come true, 

this pain is all a dream and love will come through.

Nothing Remains

Empty spaces and deserted places,

Lost between a bunch of mazes.

A lump in my throat and this shiver within,

A void inside and no one to fill in.

The world around, seems the same,

But now for me nothing remains..

Still holding on..

Where ever or how ever, I'm still holding on,

Content and at ease I have moved on.

But this moving on has a side,

Which is not so pleasant nor a good sight.

I'm happy and grateful for what I have,

But I actually moved on? now that is pretty sad.

I'm used to coming back to an empty abode,

But that does not mean, I don't feel it anymore.

I have a lovely life and I enjoy every moment,

But deep down inside, I'm still empty and vacant.

I know the tunnel will end and I'll see a new dawn,

But these roses I hold, have too many thorns.

Where ever or however, I'm still holding on,

Content and at ease, I have moved on...

Alone!

You come in this world alone and you die alone.. You meet people, interact, socialize, fall in love but still you are alone. You're identity is alone. You're being is alone.. You can't blame anyone for this loneliness.. Since there is no one to blame.. Nothing completes you.. Not even love. I won't say that love won't keep you happy.. Obviously it will.. It's the best feeling to love and to be loved in return but then again. You are with someone you love but the loneliness is there.. You are connected yet, some string inside you is still hanging loose and it will remain that way always.. That string will remind you that you come in this world alone and you die alone.. That is how it is supposed to be.. That is how life is..

Intoxicated!

Being intoxicated does not necessarily require you to be drunk. Does it? Can't you just.. have it somehow. A state of mind which makes you unaware of the harsh realities of life.. Or if not harsh, just life. It makes you feelingless even when you are stabbed in the chest several times. It makes you numb.. Numb to the core. Nothing bothers you, nothing at all.. Love, hatred, loss; these become just mere words. You look but you don't see, you touch but you don't feel, you smile but it's fake, you laugh but it's vacant..
Is that how intoxication feels? If so, I would want to wake up intoxicated everyday. What a sound and peaceful world that would be.

It moves on..

Death! This has to be the worst fact of life. A loved one leaving you forever is the hardest reality to digest. Someone going to a place unknown and then no means of contact, no phone calls, no emails, no Skype or SMS even? Not fair eh?

Death leaves an irreparable mark on your mind, body and soul and yet you live. You smile, laugh, eat, go to work, sleep party with friends... Well you live. I find it quite ironic and somewhat interesting as well as how we manage to move on with life. A person who might have been the world to you leaves and you feel stranded alone on an island but yet like Robinson Crusoe you resurrect a life for you. This is how life is supposed to be then I guess. It's a constant process, a constant struggle if I try to review it through my past experiences. You lose people and you feel choked instantly but that rope tied around your neck is released slowly and gently, well not gently, forever goodbyes can Not be gentle but anyway the blurriness caused by the tears clears away and then you feel better... Normal! But mind you,the heart wrenching pain is still there but you get used to it.

They say; 'Time is a great healer'. And I believe that is an over rated statement that I have heard a gazillion times. Time only helps you in getting used to the pain. Nothing else!
Life can be easily, infact conveniently summed up into three words.. It moves on! Simple!

A feeling less person

Parents, are a blessing.. A blessing in its Finest forms.. We fight, argue and quarrel with them but without them life feels incomplete.. Without a shelter on your head.. And losing them is the worst experience.. Worst of its kind.. 

My Mother, who made me what I am today.. was very dear to me.. She was an inspiration.. I remember feeding my once very independent mother with spoons.. I remember rubbing her hands and feet so that she could feel better.. Rubbing her forehead.. Holding her hand for long hours.. I remember the repetition of her plea to GOD to make the pain go away, day in and day out… I remember all that.. And I remember that it all ached too much.. She was my mother and I was very very close to her.. she was my Mother, that’s it! That explains it all.. I remember when she didn’t open her eyes for 12hrs.. we thought she was sleeping but she wasn’t.. she had closed her eyes since she knew her time had come… I remember when she was being shifted into the ambulance.. she opened her eyes, looked around the room for a minute and closed them, never to open again… I remember the pain that moment gave.. I remember holding her hand and rubbing it in the ICU, while she was in a coma, when I was sent inside to tell her, comfort her by saying that she’ll be okay real soon and she’ll be home in no time.. I remember how my voice was trembling and body shaking while I was holding back my tears, when I repeated that you’ll be okay, the doctors are saying that you just have to stay here for the night, they are doing some tests.. and you can go home tomorrow morning….. She died the next morning.. I remember that and it hurts..

I remember my father being the best father a daughter could ask for.. I remember him being there always.. always supporting me.. always there… I remember his last words.. I remember his last minutes.. I remember when he leaned on to me and I brought him near the bed to sit.. he sat there.. held my hand tight.. I rubbed his back telling him that you’ll be okay.. his grip on my hand grew tighter and he just kept on moving his head to right and left, signaling a no.. I remember him saying.. It’s over, not anymore!!!... I remember him leaning on to me when his soul started leaving his body.. I remember the weight getting heavier and heavier as I held him.. and I remember my heart feeling the same…heavier and heavier.. I remember his body getting cold.. and then lifeless… my world practically revolved around my father.. and I could never imagine a day without him.. but he was gone.. his hand was still in mine.. but he was gone.. I remember how much it ached… he was very very very dear to me..

I remember the aches.. the pains… the stresses.. the traumas… with so much remembrance in my head… there is nothing else left to feel… losing someone is the strongest truth and that is what I remember… That is what I know.. that is the truth… that is what has made me what I am today! A feeling less person!!

Drowning

I'm drowning in my own tears,
being haunted by the unknown fears.

Fear upon fear, pain upon pain,
losing all the nerves, nothing to gain.

Cursing and torturing my vacant self,
too much pain, its breaking the shell.

Running away from all these doubts,
trying to escape or figure a way out.

Too much till now has been said and heard,
I've been burnt and the lessons are learnt.

Sitting in a corner with my hands tied,
tossing and turning but too tired to fight.

Battling with myself has left me bruised,
but the scars inside can never be soothed.

All this struggle will have no end,
tossing and turning won't even help.

Life deceives me and pushes me down,
gives a smirk and lets me drown!

Jee Dhoondta Hai

Jee Dhoondta hai by Ali Zafar. A beautiful beautiful song which will get you hooked on to it instantly. Ghalib Sahab's poetry has been visually expressed with such beauty that it touches your heart instantly. It definitely touched mine. Kudos to the director Abdullah Harris for such brilliant work. Though he's a newbie in the media market but has done wonders.
Although this ghazal is pretty long but 4 or 5 stanzas have been used. The rest is beautiful too. I'm posting the rest with translation of the difficult words. I needed to check on it too while reading it.. My urdu is kinda weak you know !! ;)

P.s: I didn't translate the words on my own, saw it over the internet, decided to share =)

Muddat  huee hai yaar ko mehmaan kiye hue
josh-e-qadah se bazm chiraaghaann kiye hue

(qadah = goblet)

Karta hoon jama'a phir jigar-e-lakht-lakht ko
arsa  hua  hai  daawat-e-mizhgaan  kiye  hue

(lakht = piece, mizhgaan = eyelid)

Phir waz'a-e-'ehtiyaat  se rukane laga hai dam
barson  hue  hain  chaak  girebaan  kiye  hue

(waz'a = conduct/behaviour, 'ehtiyaat = care, chaak = torn, girebaaN = collar)

Phir garm_naala  haay sharar_baar  hai nafas
muddat huee hai sair-e-chiraaghaan kiye hue

(sharar_baar = raining sparks of fire, nafas = breath)

Phir pursish-e-jaraahat-e-dil ko chala hai ishq
saamaan-e-sad_hazaar namakdaan kiye hue

(pursish = enquiry, jaraahat (or jiraahat) = surgery, sad = hundred, namakdaaN = container to keep salt)

Phir bhar raha hai khaama-e-mizhgaan ba_khoon-e-dil
saaz-e-chaman_taraazee-e-daamaan kiye hue

(Khaama = pen, mizhgaaN = eyelid, saaz = disposition, taraazee = consenting ]

Baa_ham_digar hue hain dil-o-deeda phir raqeeb
nazzaara-o-khayaal  ka saamaan  kiye   hue

(ham_digar = mutual/in between, saamaan = confront ]

Dil phir tawaaf-e-koo-e-malaamat ko jaai hai
pindaar  ka  saman_kada  weeraan  kiye  hue

(tawaaf = circuit, koo = lane/street, malaamat = rebuke/blame, pindaar = pride/arrogance, saman_kada = house of jasmine flowers, here it means temple ]

Phir shauq kar raha hai khareedaar kee talab
arz-e-mata'a-e-'aql-o-dil-o-jaan  kiye  hue

(talab = search, mata'a = valuables)

Daude hai phir harek gul-o-laala par khayaal
sad_gul_sitaan nigaah  ka saamaan  kiye hue

Phir chaahta hoon  naama-e-dildaar  kholna
jaan nazr-e-dil_farebee-e-unwaan kiye hue

(naama-e-dildaar = love letter, unwaaN = title/preface)

Maange hai phiir kisee ko lab-e-baam par hawas
zulf-e-siyaah  rukh  pe pareshaan  kiye  hue

(lab-e-baam = the corner of a terrace, siyaah = black/dark ]

Chaahe phir kisee ko muqaabil mein aarzoo
soorme se tez dashna-e-mizhgaan kiye hue

(muqaabil = confronting, dashna = dagger, mizhgaan = eyelids)

Aik nau_bahaar-e-naaz ko taaqe hai phir nigaah
chehra  furogh-e-mai se  gulistaan kiye  hue

(nau_bahaar-e-naaz = lover, furoGH = light/bright)

Phir jee mein hai ki dar pe kisee ke pade rahain
sar  zar-e-baar-e-minnat-e-darbaan   kiye   hue

(zar = money/wealth, baar = burden/load, minnat = supplicate)

Jee Dhoondta hai phir wohee fursat ke raat din
baithe rahain tasavvur-e-jaanaan  kiye  hue

(tasavvur = imagination)

'Ghalib' hamein na ched ki phir josh-e-ashq se
baiTHe hain  ham  tahayya-e-toofaaN  kiay hue

(tahayya = determined)

Happy Father's Day

“Nothing seems the same”

I miss your face,

I miss your smile.

I miss the comfort in your voice.

I miss the feeling 
of knowing you are there,
And there's nothing in the world to fear.

I dread coming home now,
cuz you are not there.
And now I admit,I do have fears.

I wait for the familiar knock,
or the sound of your door.
But it breaks my heart,
knowing you are no more.

You were there as a father,

and as a mother as well.

But now none are here,

And it's so hard to dwell. 

I'm trying to stay strong 

but my heart wants to sink,
I miss you immensely,
there's nothing else to think. 

You were my shelter,

who helped me stand tall,
But if now I trip, 

there's no one to break my fall.

You gave me so much,

more than I deserved.

No matter the circumstances,

 I know I was loved.

I know I'll be fine,

and I'll get used to the pain. 

But without you My Father, 

nothing seems the same!...

It is You who matters!

To let go or to hang on.. Nothing confuses me more. Hanging on might give eternal happiness to me but might steal some smiles from the crowd around.. but then again.. how long will this crowd follow me? At some point of time, I would have to stand alone and if at that point I don't have my happiness what else would I be left with? A heart full of aches and no one to console?!!..
This life is not refundable or exchangeable so why not grasp on to something which is worthing clutching on. Life isn't a bed of roses, no one promised it to be.. so then why not follow where the heart is pointing at. Since at the end of the day, it is you who matters!!

A moment so still !!

Life has come to a moment so still,
losing all hope and I’m giving in.
Step by step I’m losing my balance; 

my dwelling of crystal has started to shatter.
Being sucked away by the outbursts of anger, 

to breathe or to live; now nothing matters.
Moment by moment I lost in the struggle, 

withered and broken, lost in the hustle.

Way out..

Sometimes you need to turn yourself upside down in order to comprehend the complexities of life in a different angle.. That might not fix the issue but might show you a way out.. That way might not be perfect or easy but can turn into a new beginning..

Flickr photostream:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/aimayusaf/

Hong Kong peak !!

Flickr photostream: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aimayusaf/

Nothing serious as such

This aches too much,
too much for me to bear.
I'm standing on the edge,
and my heart is full of fear.

Fear of what? I hear them say,
I look at them and then I turn away,
I'm tired and exhausted, I've tried my luck.
I look down for a while and tears well up.

To know and trust me and laugh along,
is an easy job, not difficult at all.
You slipped once and I held you strong,
I trip every minute, who will break my fall.

You hear me say,
that ofcourse I'm okay.
But if you want the truth,
then hang around, just for one day.

....I keep on twisting,
the pen in my hand.
Cuz there is too much to write,
but my mind has gone blank.

I'm not making a fuss,
or even complaining too much.
This is just a poem,
nothing serious as such!!

There is NOTHING absolutely nothing half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats - Kenneth Grahame

Flickr Photostream: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aimayusaf/ 

 Every time I have some moment on a seashore, or in the mountains, or sometimes in a quiet forest, I think this is why the environment has to be preserved. - Bill Bradley


Flickr Photostream: http://www.flickr.com/photos/aimayusaf/ 

Life's Transition!

Un-lived lives in these veins of mine,
Urging me to live & to try to survive.

Lost are the days of sweet serene,
Those lush green trees are now unseen

No air is left for these lungs to breath,
My soul is being burnt in the scorching heat.

Life gave up and received its defeat,
Left all the hope and is ready to flee.

Death came along and formed a halo,
Life felt relieved and started to follow.

Threw all the memories of pain and sorrow,
All those lumps that were never swallowed.

Life went away with no question and regret,
Serenity dwell-ed with no place for fret.

Eternal bliss was than finally achieved,
Life heaved a sigh, a sigh of relief.