Denying the denial!

I just wish you didn't have to go, even if you had to..you should have come back... Somehow.. But you didn't... And you can't, for obvious reasons Ofcourse..Life was already difficult without her.. And you were the only one for me to lean on to.. I was dependent on you.. Emotionally and mentally both. When you went away, it was like my backbone was broken, literally... Into tiny small pieces.. I couldn't even gather them up to put myself back again.. I tried, I did.. I still am trying.. But every time I try to fix myself up, another piece falls off.. And I stand even more weakened and shattered.. When you were here, I was more strong.. More connected to reality.. But without you, I'm just living in denial.. And the worst part is, I even deny the fact of being in denial.. I feel less, I express less but yes... I laugh a lot but the laughs are vacant.. Without any meaning in them.. Without a reason or rhyme.. These laughs are just hollow from within.. Hollow and deep and rotten from inside.. Your absence has made me into a completely different person.. Though when she left, I was still sane and composed but without you, I'm just reverting myself into a shell.. This shell is hard as a rock.. Unbreakable. This shell doesn't let people come inside.. Doesn't let me feel or express. I end up hurting the people who are most important to me.. I torture them with my feelingless being.. But what they aren't aware of is that these clogged up feelings and silent words which are piled up inside me are as huge and deep as an ocean.. they are standing still inside but they are killing me.. Slowly and gradually they are taking away my soul..