A feeling less person

Parents, are a blessing.. A blessing in its Finest forms.. We fight, argue and quarrel with them but without them life feels incomplete.. Without a shelter on your head.. And losing them is the worst experience.. Worst of its kind.. 

My Mother, who made me what I am today.. was very dear to me.. She was an inspiration.. I remember feeding my once very independent mother with spoons.. I remember rubbing her hands and feet so that she could feel better.. Rubbing her forehead.. Holding her hand for long hours.. I remember the repetition of her plea to GOD to make the pain go away, day in and day out… I remember all that.. And I remember that it all ached too much.. She was my mother and I was very very close to her.. she was my Mother, that’s it! That explains it all.. I remember when she didn’t open her eyes for 12hrs.. we thought she was sleeping but she wasn’t.. she had closed her eyes since she knew her time had come… I remember when she was being shifted into the ambulance.. she opened her eyes, looked around the room for a minute and closed them, never to open again… I remember the pain that moment gave.. I remember holding her hand and rubbing it in the ICU, while she was in a coma, when I was sent inside to tell her, comfort her by saying that she’ll be okay real soon and she’ll be home in no time.. I remember how my voice was trembling and body shaking while I was holding back my tears, when I repeated that you’ll be okay, the doctors are saying that you just have to stay here for the night, they are doing some tests.. and you can go home tomorrow morning….. She died the next morning.. I remember that and it hurts..

I remember my father being the best father a daughter could ask for.. I remember him being there always.. always supporting me.. always there… I remember his last words.. I remember his last minutes.. I remember when he leaned on to me and I brought him near the bed to sit.. he sat there.. held my hand tight.. I rubbed his back telling him that you’ll be okay.. his grip on my hand grew tighter and he just kept on moving his head to right and left, signaling a no.. I remember him saying.. It’s over, not anymore!!!... I remember him leaning on to me when his soul started leaving his body.. I remember the weight getting heavier and heavier as I held him.. and I remember my heart feeling the same…heavier and heavier.. I remember his body getting cold.. and then lifeless… my world practically revolved around my father.. and I could never imagine a day without him.. but he was gone.. his hand was still in mine.. but he was gone.. I remember how much it ached… he was very very very dear to me..

I remember the aches.. the pains… the stresses.. the traumas… with so much remembrance in my head… there is nothing else left to feel… losing someone is the strongest truth and that is what I remember… That is what I know.. that is the truth… that is what has made me what I am today! A feeling less person!!

Drowning

I'm drowning in my own tears,
being haunted by the unknown fears.

Fear upon fear, pain upon pain,
losing all the nerves, nothing to gain.

Cursing and torturing my vacant self,
too much pain, its breaking the shell.

Running away from all these doubts,
trying to escape or figure a way out.

Too much till now has been said and heard,
I've been burnt and the lessons are learnt.

Sitting in a corner with my hands tied,
tossing and turning but too tired to fight.

Battling with myself has left me bruised,
but the scars inside can never be soothed.

All this struggle will have no end,
tossing and turning won't even help.

Life deceives me and pushes me down,
gives a smirk and lets me drown!

Jee Dhoondta Hai

Jee Dhoondta hai by Ali Zafar. A beautiful beautiful song which will get you hooked on to it instantly. Ghalib Sahab's poetry has been visually expressed with such beauty that it touches your heart instantly. It definitely touched mine. Kudos to the director Abdullah Harris for such brilliant work. Though he's a newbie in the media market but has done wonders.
Although this ghazal is pretty long but 4 or 5 stanzas have been used. The rest is beautiful too. I'm posting the rest with translation of the difficult words. I needed to check on it too while reading it.. My urdu is kinda weak you know !! ;)

P.s: I didn't translate the words on my own, saw it over the internet, decided to share =)

Muddat  huee hai yaar ko mehmaan kiye hue
josh-e-qadah se bazm chiraaghaann kiye hue

(qadah = goblet)

Karta hoon jama'a phir jigar-e-lakht-lakht ko
arsa  hua  hai  daawat-e-mizhgaan  kiye  hue

(lakht = piece, mizhgaan = eyelid)

Phir waz'a-e-'ehtiyaat  se rukane laga hai dam
barson  hue  hain  chaak  girebaan  kiye  hue

(waz'a = conduct/behaviour, 'ehtiyaat = care, chaak = torn, girebaaN = collar)

Phir garm_naala  haay sharar_baar  hai nafas
muddat huee hai sair-e-chiraaghaan kiye hue

(sharar_baar = raining sparks of fire, nafas = breath)

Phir pursish-e-jaraahat-e-dil ko chala hai ishq
saamaan-e-sad_hazaar namakdaan kiye hue

(pursish = enquiry, jaraahat (or jiraahat) = surgery, sad = hundred, namakdaaN = container to keep salt)

Phir bhar raha hai khaama-e-mizhgaan ba_khoon-e-dil
saaz-e-chaman_taraazee-e-daamaan kiye hue

(Khaama = pen, mizhgaaN = eyelid, saaz = disposition, taraazee = consenting ]

Baa_ham_digar hue hain dil-o-deeda phir raqeeb
nazzaara-o-khayaal  ka saamaan  kiye   hue

(ham_digar = mutual/in between, saamaan = confront ]

Dil phir tawaaf-e-koo-e-malaamat ko jaai hai
pindaar  ka  saman_kada  weeraan  kiye  hue

(tawaaf = circuit, koo = lane/street, malaamat = rebuke/blame, pindaar = pride/arrogance, saman_kada = house of jasmine flowers, here it means temple ]

Phir shauq kar raha hai khareedaar kee talab
arz-e-mata'a-e-'aql-o-dil-o-jaan  kiye  hue

(talab = search, mata'a = valuables)

Daude hai phir harek gul-o-laala par khayaal
sad_gul_sitaan nigaah  ka saamaan  kiye hue

Phir chaahta hoon  naama-e-dildaar  kholna
jaan nazr-e-dil_farebee-e-unwaan kiye hue

(naama-e-dildaar = love letter, unwaaN = title/preface)

Maange hai phiir kisee ko lab-e-baam par hawas
zulf-e-siyaah  rukh  pe pareshaan  kiye  hue

(lab-e-baam = the corner of a terrace, siyaah = black/dark ]

Chaahe phir kisee ko muqaabil mein aarzoo
soorme se tez dashna-e-mizhgaan kiye hue

(muqaabil = confronting, dashna = dagger, mizhgaan = eyelids)

Aik nau_bahaar-e-naaz ko taaqe hai phir nigaah
chehra  furogh-e-mai se  gulistaan kiye  hue

(nau_bahaar-e-naaz = lover, furoGH = light/bright)

Phir jee mein hai ki dar pe kisee ke pade rahain
sar  zar-e-baar-e-minnat-e-darbaan   kiye   hue

(zar = money/wealth, baar = burden/load, minnat = supplicate)

Jee Dhoondta hai phir wohee fursat ke raat din
baithe rahain tasavvur-e-jaanaan  kiye  hue

(tasavvur = imagination)

'Ghalib' hamein na ched ki phir josh-e-ashq se
baiTHe hain  ham  tahayya-e-toofaaN  kiay hue

(tahayya = determined)

Happy Father's Day

“Nothing seems the same”

I miss your face,

I miss your smile.

I miss the comfort in your voice.

I miss the feeling 
of knowing you are there,
And there's nothing in the world to fear.

I dread coming home now,
cuz you are not there.
And now I admit,I do have fears.

I wait for the familiar knock,
or the sound of your door.
But it breaks my heart,
knowing you are no more.

You were there as a father,

and as a mother as well.

But now none are here,

And it's so hard to dwell. 

I'm trying to stay strong 

but my heart wants to sink,
I miss you immensely,
there's nothing else to think. 

You were my shelter,

who helped me stand tall,
But if now I trip, 

there's no one to break my fall.

You gave me so much,

more than I deserved.

No matter the circumstances,

 I know I was loved.

I know I'll be fine,

and I'll get used to the pain. 

But without you My Father, 

nothing seems the same!...

It is You who matters!

To let go or to hang on.. Nothing confuses me more. Hanging on might give eternal happiness to me but might steal some smiles from the crowd around.. but then again.. how long will this crowd follow me? At some point of time, I would have to stand alone and if at that point I don't have my happiness what else would I be left with? A heart full of aches and no one to console?!!..
This life is not refundable or exchangeable so why not grasp on to something which is worthing clutching on. Life isn't a bed of roses, no one promised it to be.. so then why not follow where the heart is pointing at. Since at the end of the day, it is you who matters!!

A moment so still !!

Life has come to a moment so still,
losing all hope and I’m giving in.
Step by step I’m losing my balance; 

my dwelling of crystal has started to shatter.
Being sucked away by the outbursts of anger, 

to breathe or to live; now nothing matters.
Moment by moment I lost in the struggle, 

withered and broken, lost in the hustle.

Way out..

Sometimes you need to turn yourself upside down in order to comprehend the complexities of life in a different angle.. That might not fix the issue but might show you a way out.. That way might not be perfect or easy but can turn into a new beginning..

Flickr photostream:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/aimayusaf/